The last time I wrote was about 13 weeks ago. Sooooooo....much has happened. Well, I never did get back to work like I hoped. I went from two weeks of modified bedrest to lay down and only get up for bathroom/shower bedrest. I was on that type of bedrest until last Wednesday when my water broke@27 weeks. That was absolutely terrifying!! This whole time we have been so worried and focused on my cervix and then my water goes and breaks for reasons I still do not know.
Just to recap our struggle: 5 failed frozen embryo transfers. Then, 1 successful fresh IVF cycle, which resulted in this pregnancy, cerclage at 15 weeks to prevent my cervix from opening prematurely, 12 weeks of @home bedrest, water broke at 27 weeks. Now currently 28 weeks, 5 days and I am on hospital bedrest. Not only did we try to conceive for about a year before actually conceiving, but when we finally did, it has been one road block after another. How many challenges can one pregnancy have?
Some times I feel that god is trying to tell us that if it was in his plan for us to have another child, he would have let me conceive it naturally. That he is trying to tell us that this was not supposed to be. But then other times, I realize that if this was not in god's plan for us, he would not let it be in the first place. That if he did not want me to be the mother to another child, then he would not have allowed our embryo to implant in the first place. That all that we are going through is to teach us some lesson or to make us appreciate his gifts even more. I don't know, I guess at the end of all of this, I will have a clearer view of it all.
All I do know is that through it all...challenge after challenge, god is allowing this pregnancy to go on against all odds. I consider my first son my "miracle baby" since he was conceived with IVF and I almost lost him at 17 weeks due to my incompetent cervix, but then went on to carrying him until 38 weeks. But this kid I'm carrying right here, he is a fighter. My water has been broken for 9 days and he continues to thrive in my belly with a strong heartbeat and several very hard kicks all day long with little to no fluid around him, at times.
At this point, you may be just as confused as I was about my water breaking and 9 days later...still pregnant. In my eyes, that's nothing short of a miracle. From television and from stories of friends and family members who have had babies, when your water breaks.....here comes baby. But, to my surprise, preterm premature rupture of membranes does not always lead to active labor. It's like it happens accidentally and unless you show signs of an infection, they very rarely know what caused it exactly. And that is the case for me. I was bleeding for a reason I still do not have the answer to and then two days later my water broke for a reason I still do not have the answer to. According to the amazing doctors at Stony Brook University Hospital, they have had women who have come in with PPROM and have lasted weeks without their fluid.
When I entered the hospital they told me that each day that my little one has inside me increases his chances of health and that we will take it day by day making goals as we go along. When I entered the first goal was getting past the first few days, as most women who have ruptured membranes go into labor within a few days. Then, the goal was to make it from 27-28 weeks. Since I got passed that now the next goal is to make it to Sunday (29 weeks).
So..here is to the journey ahead !
The FET Chronicles
Friday, May 3, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Drum roll please.......... 15 weeks and 3 day!! yay!!
Sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I have been scared to share the news, but I am very pregnant!! It has been a long time coming. Those of you that have been following my blog know that I have been trying since November of 2011. It took a little less than a year and 6 IVF cycles for this to finally be happening.
Now that I am in my second trimester, I finally feel like it is a good time to share my joy. I am not 100 percent worry free at this point, I mean other than the usual worries that women have in pregnancy, I also have a condition that is called an incompetent cervix. My cervix is extremely short, so I have to worry about it prematurely opening before it is supposed to. Yes.....on top of all the other issues that I have, I have to also worry about this, but like they say nothing good comes easy and what is worth having is worth fighting for. And boy have we been fighting like hell. But the silver lining in all of this is that I had a procedure done last Monday where they put a stitch at the opening of my cervix to help keep it closed. I had this done also when I was pregnant with my son, but I had it done so late (becasue they were not aware that I had this issue), that I almost lost him when I was only 17 weeks and I had to be on bed rest for 6 months. But the stitch held tight and my son was born at 38 weeks.
This time around, we knew that I would need the stitch, which the medical term is a "cerclage", so we did it at 14 weeks and the hope is that I will not need to be on full bedrest and that I will be able to act somewhat like a normal pregnant woman. The first time around, I did not enjoy the pregnancy the way that other women get to enjoy it. I had to stay in bed, eat in bed, and shower everyother day. I did not get to go out to eat, shop for baby things, or flaunt my belly like other pregnant ladies.
After my procedure last week, I was put on modified bed rest for two weeks, but I go to the doctor tomorrow and I feel great, so I am anticipating her allowing me to go back to work this week instead of next week or instead of putting me on full bed rest (like I had to be with my son). However, if she (my high risk ob) decides that I need to be on bed rest, well then...I will do what I have to do to have a healthy baby.
I am 15 weeks and 3 days today. I go for a sonogram tomorrow, which I am hoping will reveal the sex, along with how well the stitch is holding up. When trying to get pregnant, I kept thinking, "a girl would be nice", but to be completely honest, I could care less right now. I whole heartily will be excited no matter what it is. As weird as it sounds, I am completely neutral about which gender I would like it to be. Having either one has equal benefits in my eyes. My husband would like another boy, of course. However, I know that he would adore a little girl and he knows it too, but he can't deal with the thought of the "teenage years". And I can't blame him. I was a teenage girl, so I know what we are in for and that right there goes on my "cons" column when thinking about which gender we would like. But in all seriousness, after all we have been through, I will be happy that it is human, no matter what sex it is. I feel extremely blessed that I am able to even ponder a sex right now. A few months ago, it felt as if this was never really going to come to fruition.
Well, now that I have put it all out there for the world to see...makes it all feel that much more real to me. I am still in shock and disbelief that this is really happening. We have just been through so much and it seems like a blur right now. All I can focus on is getting to the next week.
~extremely preggo
Now that I am in my second trimester, I finally feel like it is a good time to share my joy. I am not 100 percent worry free at this point, I mean other than the usual worries that women have in pregnancy, I also have a condition that is called an incompetent cervix. My cervix is extremely short, so I have to worry about it prematurely opening before it is supposed to. Yes.....on top of all the other issues that I have, I have to also worry about this, but like they say nothing good comes easy and what is worth having is worth fighting for. And boy have we been fighting like hell. But the silver lining in all of this is that I had a procedure done last Monday where they put a stitch at the opening of my cervix to help keep it closed. I had this done also when I was pregnant with my son, but I had it done so late (becasue they were not aware that I had this issue), that I almost lost him when I was only 17 weeks and I had to be on bed rest for 6 months. But the stitch held tight and my son was born at 38 weeks.
This time around, we knew that I would need the stitch, which the medical term is a "cerclage", so we did it at 14 weeks and the hope is that I will not need to be on full bedrest and that I will be able to act somewhat like a normal pregnant woman. The first time around, I did not enjoy the pregnancy the way that other women get to enjoy it. I had to stay in bed, eat in bed, and shower everyother day. I did not get to go out to eat, shop for baby things, or flaunt my belly like other pregnant ladies.
After my procedure last week, I was put on modified bed rest for two weeks, but I go to the doctor tomorrow and I feel great, so I am anticipating her allowing me to go back to work this week instead of next week or instead of putting me on full bed rest (like I had to be with my son). However, if she (my high risk ob) decides that I need to be on bed rest, well then...I will do what I have to do to have a healthy baby.
I am 15 weeks and 3 days today. I go for a sonogram tomorrow, which I am hoping will reveal the sex, along with how well the stitch is holding up. When trying to get pregnant, I kept thinking, "a girl would be nice", but to be completely honest, I could care less right now. I whole heartily will be excited no matter what it is. As weird as it sounds, I am completely neutral about which gender I would like it to be. Having either one has equal benefits in my eyes. My husband would like another boy, of course. However, I know that he would adore a little girl and he knows it too, but he can't deal with the thought of the "teenage years". And I can't blame him. I was a teenage girl, so I know what we are in for and that right there goes on my "cons" column when thinking about which gender we would like. But in all seriousness, after all we have been through, I will be happy that it is human, no matter what sex it is. I feel extremely blessed that I am able to even ponder a sex right now. A few months ago, it felt as if this was never really going to come to fruition.
Well, now that I have put it all out there for the world to see...makes it all feel that much more real to me. I am still in shock and disbelief that this is really happening. We have just been through so much and it seems like a blur right now. All I can focus on is getting to the next week.
~extremely preggo
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
9dp5dt
Today was my beta and to my shock, my hcg level is 80!!!!!! My doctor said to me, "congratulations, your pregnant"...my response, "no way...ur kidding??". Not sure why I said that, but thats what came to mind. I think I'm still in shock. He asked me to come back Friday, but I told him that I would like to come in tomorrow if that is ok. I have had two chemical pregnancies and even a slight increase would put me a little more at ease. He agreed...I love my doctor.
So now I am going to run down my symptoms (which I didnt realize were symptoms until today) for all of the google searching women like me.
Since the transfer I have had extremely sore boobs...some back pain.....and a very blotted belly.
So now I am going to run down my symptoms (which I didnt realize were symptoms until today) for all of the google searching women like me.
Since the transfer I have had extremely sore boobs...some back pain.....and a very blotted belly.
Monday, November 12, 2012
7dp5dt
Today is 7 days past my 5 day transfer and I am convinced that it hasnt worked. I felt so optimistic a few days ago and now I dont feel so confident. the longer the time comes nearer to my blood pregnancy test, the more I feel like this is failed cycle #6.
I know that eventually this will work, but having the patience to waitg for that day is so hard. And keeping a positive attitude while I wait feels impossible.
Yes, I don't know for sure if it has worked, but ironically blogs and google are what is convincing me that it hasn't. When I read post by women who are having the same symptoms as me, or should I say lack of symptoms, the results 90% of the time were not good for them.
The facts are that I have an excellent chance of this working. It makes more sense for it to work than for it not to work. I mean the facts are my fertility issues were caused by tubal blockage and IVF bipasses the tubes and no longer makes my fertility issue and issue. And the blastocyst was a grade AB, which my doctor said was excellent. He felt so great about the quality of the embryo that he recommended putting only one back in. And with all the monitoring and all the meds to support implantation and with actually seeing my fertilized embryo being put in my uterus through, the ultrasound...it would make a person in their right mind be 90-100% confident that it worked, but being through this 6 times in the past 9 months makes me feel that I am 90-100% sure that it didnt work.
And what makes me feel this way?? The fact that I do not have any all the other women that were at the same point as I am right now have had more symptoms than I am having. I have had zero cramping.....zero spotting. I do have sore boobs and the occasional lower back pain and Im tired ofter, but these are things that I have experienced from the meds during each of the cycles. I was also very bloated before and it went down. So, that has me worried, as well. ugh!!
Wednesday is my test day and it can't come fast enough. I am promising myself not to pee on a stick. I refuse to after the two chemicals that I got positives and got excited about from the hpt's onlto go in and have an extremly lowbetas and to have the hcg # get even lower the second beta get even lower than
I know that eventually this will work, but having the patience to waitg for that day is so hard. And keeping a positive attitude while I wait feels impossible.
Yes, I don't know for sure if it has worked, but ironically blogs and google are what is convincing me that it hasn't. When I read post by women who are having the same symptoms as me, or should I say lack of symptoms, the results 90% of the time were not good for them.
The facts are that I have an excellent chance of this working. It makes more sense for it to work than for it not to work. I mean the facts are my fertility issues were caused by tubal blockage and IVF bipasses the tubes and no longer makes my fertility issue and issue. And the blastocyst was a grade AB, which my doctor said was excellent. He felt so great about the quality of the embryo that he recommended putting only one back in. And with all the monitoring and all the meds to support implantation and with actually seeing my fertilized embryo being put in my uterus through, the ultrasound...it would make a person in their right mind be 90-100% confident that it worked, but being through this 6 times in the past 9 months makes me feel that I am 90-100% sure that it didnt work.
And what makes me feel this way?? The fact that I do not have any all the other women that were at the same point as I am right now have had more symptoms than I am having. I have had zero cramping.....zero spotting. I do have sore boobs and the occasional lower back pain and Im tired ofter, but these are things that I have experienced from the meds during each of the cycles. I was also very bloated before and it went down. So, that has me worried, as well. ugh!!
Wednesday is my test day and it can't come fast enough. I am promising myself not to pee on a stick. I refuse to after the two chemicals that I got positives and got excited about from the hpt's onlto go in and have an extremly lowbetas and to have the hcg # get even lower the second beta get even lower than
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Yesterday, November 5, 2012 was my first fresh embryo transfer. Dr. Z transfered 1 grade AB embryo. It was not an easy transfer, as my cervix has a lot of scar tissue and is very tight from the previous surgery that i had. So, it took 35 minutes when it should have taken 5-10 minutes. So now we wait. My pregnancy test is 11/14 and I will not do an over the counter pregnancy test.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Hi Everyone!
So...alot has happened since I last wrote.....
I took a little vacation from trying to conceive, but now we are back. Not only are we back, but we are now going to a new fertility clinic with my new/old doctor.... sounds weird, but let me explain. Well, I am now seeing the doctor that helped me to create my little miracle boy that I now have. Doctor Z was my doctor in 2007 and I went back to him last November when I began trying for a second child. Shortly after doing my preliminary testing, he announced to me that he was leaving that particular fertility clinic. At that time, I could not follow him as a patient, as all of my embryos were frozen at that facility. I chose to work with one of the doctors there. Now that I have only two frozen embryos left, I decided it was time to follow my miracle worker to his new facility.
I know...I know...you all must be thinking that I have some grand delusion in my mind about it working instantly on the first try with this doctor like it did the first time with him, and yes, part of me...a very, very small part of me is fantasizing about that possibility, but the reality is that it may not work with him, just like it didn't work with the other doctor. It may take several tries, but I chose to follow him instead of continuing with the last doctor because nothing was holding me to that facility. Ever since Dr. Z left, I did not have the same comfort with my new doctor or the same level of care.
Fast forward to today......I plan on having my two lonely frozen embryos transferred to my new facility. And, I am excited to announce that we began a new IVF cycle today. I am taking medication to produce more eggs and in a few weeks, they will be removed, fertilized, and put back in. Dr. Z and I did not discuss the # of embryos he plans on putting back. My assumption would be one because that is what he did with the pregnancy I had with my son.Then, the rest will be frozen.
So, in a few weeks, I will have new frozen brothers and sisters for my 6 year old frozen embryos. Exciting thoughts!!
With all of the events that have happened in the past year, you would think I would be ready to throw in the towel. Especially after 5 failed cycles, but I surprisingly have a renewed sense of optimism and excitement for this cycle.
So...alot has happened since I last wrote.....
I took a little vacation from trying to conceive, but now we are back. Not only are we back, but we are now going to a new fertility clinic with my new/old doctor.... sounds weird, but let me explain. Well, I am now seeing the doctor that helped me to create my little miracle boy that I now have. Doctor Z was my doctor in 2007 and I went back to him last November when I began trying for a second child. Shortly after doing my preliminary testing, he announced to me that he was leaving that particular fertility clinic. At that time, I could not follow him as a patient, as all of my embryos were frozen at that facility. I chose to work with one of the doctors there. Now that I have only two frozen embryos left, I decided it was time to follow my miracle worker to his new facility.
I know...I know...you all must be thinking that I have some grand delusion in my mind about it working instantly on the first try with this doctor like it did the first time with him, and yes, part of me...a very, very small part of me is fantasizing about that possibility, but the reality is that it may not work with him, just like it didn't work with the other doctor. It may take several tries, but I chose to follow him instead of continuing with the last doctor because nothing was holding me to that facility. Ever since Dr. Z left, I did not have the same comfort with my new doctor or the same level of care.
Fast forward to today......I plan on having my two lonely frozen embryos transferred to my new facility. And, I am excited to announce that we began a new IVF cycle today. I am taking medication to produce more eggs and in a few weeks, they will be removed, fertilized, and put back in. Dr. Z and I did not discuss the # of embryos he plans on putting back. My assumption would be one because that is what he did with the pregnancy I had with my son.Then, the rest will be frozen.
So, in a few weeks, I will have new frozen brothers and sisters for my 6 year old frozen embryos. Exciting thoughts!!
With all of the events that have happened in the past year, you would think I would be ready to throw in the towel. Especially after 5 failed cycles, but I surprisingly have a renewed sense of optimism and excitement for this cycle.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Frozen Embryo cycle #5
After taking about a month and a half off, here we are at the end of frozen embryo cycle number 5. Yes, you read it write five cycles. Five cylces of hormones, shots in the rear, and 9 thawed embryos. Our journey began in January. It is now August and drum roll please........we have..............................................NOTHING!!
My frozen embryo transfer was August 10th. I did what I do every time (pee on a stick) and it was a whopping single line. For those of you that don't know what that means......its a big fat negative. I have to believe that it is true. Those damned home pregnancy tests have yet to fail me. I also do not feel a thing, so I know that it failed...once again...for the fifth time. Surprise.....SURPRISE!!
Naturally, I am disappointed. Each time I think, "this is it, it's going to work", only to look for signs, symptoms, and results that are non-existent.
This cycle both my doctor and the embryologist expressed to me how good my embryos looked. They graded them as 1 1/2 blastocysts. That gave me additional hope because the only other time that they informed me that they were transferring embryos of that quality is when I got pregnant with my son. And unlike my son's cycle, which was a single embryo transfer (they only placed one potential baby back into my body), this time we transferred two great quality embryos. So, you can imagine my shock when not even a faint lined appeared on that home pregnancy test.
Where do we go from here??? This is a question that I continue to ask myself. We have frozen embryos left. We have three options. Option 1, we can try for frozen embryo #6, but there is no guarantee that both embryos would survive the thaw (we actually lost two embryos during these past five cycles), go through an invitro fertilization cycle (where with medication I would produce more eggs, they would surgically remove the eggs, they would fertilize the eggs, and then put one or two back in), or we could just be happy with the blessing that god gave us and call it quits.
The jury is out on our next move. I guess, we will have to wait until my official blood pregnancy test on Wednesday to decide.
My frozen embryo transfer was August 10th. I did what I do every time (pee on a stick) and it was a whopping single line. For those of you that don't know what that means......its a big fat negative. I have to believe that it is true. Those damned home pregnancy tests have yet to fail me. I also do not feel a thing, so I know that it failed...once again...for the fifth time. Surprise.....SURPRISE!!
Naturally, I am disappointed. Each time I think, "this is it, it's going to work", only to look for signs, symptoms, and results that are non-existent.
This cycle both my doctor and the embryologist expressed to me how good my embryos looked. They graded them as 1 1/2 blastocysts. That gave me additional hope because the only other time that they informed me that they were transferring embryos of that quality is when I got pregnant with my son. And unlike my son's cycle, which was a single embryo transfer (they only placed one potential baby back into my body), this time we transferred two great quality embryos. So, you can imagine my shock when not even a faint lined appeared on that home pregnancy test.
Where do we go from here??? This is a question that I continue to ask myself. We have frozen embryos left. We have three options. Option 1, we can try for frozen embryo #6, but there is no guarantee that both embryos would survive the thaw (we actually lost two embryos during these past five cycles), go through an invitro fertilization cycle (where with medication I would produce more eggs, they would surgically remove the eggs, they would fertilize the eggs, and then put one or two back in), or we could just be happy with the blessing that god gave us and call it quits.
The jury is out on our next move. I guess, we will have to wait until my official blood pregnancy test on Wednesday to decide.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Moving on.....for now.
I wanted to give you all an update. I have decided to go with my plan of taking a break from trying to conceive. Which, so far has proved to be a great decision. I felt that I was loosing sight of what is important (focusing on what I do have) and I was spending too much time and energy on wishing, hoping, and praying on the ever present question, "Am I pregnant or not?". I began to take for granted all the wonderful things in my life (my husband, my son, my wonderful family) and I was spending way too much time harping on what I didn't. I have so much to be thankful for and this whole experience has really humbled me.
We haven't decided when or IF we will try again. We are going to enjoy our summer and if we feel like the time is right, we'll try again.
I feel like we made the best decision to not go from frozen embryo transfer 4 straight to 5. My doctor keeps telling me every month that I could just continue without waiting, that my body will not be negatively effected, but it is not my body that has been feeling the strain. Mentally and emotionally, I needed a break. I am now doing the things that I have had on hold for the past five months (going out, eating what I want, having the occasional glass of wine, and just being my normal, not pregnant self).
I know that our journey of trying to conceive is not over. My son needs a sibling. He needs someone that understands exactly what he means when he wants to complain about his parents getting on his nerves, someone to be a big brother to, and someone to have holidays with when Darren and I are long gone. So, I will not give up on giving that to him, but I will take a little break from it and come back to it in the future when I am mentally healthy enough to do so.
~Mom to one.
We haven't decided when or IF we will try again. We are going to enjoy our summer and if we feel like the time is right, we'll try again.
I feel like we made the best decision to not go from frozen embryo transfer 4 straight to 5. My doctor keeps telling me every month that I could just continue without waiting, that my body will not be negatively effected, but it is not my body that has been feeling the strain. Mentally and emotionally, I needed a break. I am now doing the things that I have had on hold for the past five months (going out, eating what I want, having the occasional glass of wine, and just being my normal, not pregnant self).
I know that our journey of trying to conceive is not over. My son needs a sibling. He needs someone that understands exactly what he means when he wants to complain about his parents getting on his nerves, someone to be a big brother to, and someone to have holidays with when Darren and I are long gone. So, I will not give up on giving that to him, but I will take a little break from it and come back to it in the future when I am mentally healthy enough to do so.
~Mom to one.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
This must be some type of sick joke!!
Well I wanted to provide you all with an update. I went in to my doctors office this morning for blood pregnancy test #2 of frozen embryo transfer #4. My doctor informed this afternoon that the hcg level (the pregnancy hormone) only increased by two. It was 90 on Monday and 92 today.
Well folks, that is definitely not a good thing. When I gave blood this morning, the nurse said that it needed to be 180. Needless to say, I am a little more than disappointed. I really thought it had worked this time.
Now if that news isn't bad enough, my doctor told me to stay on all my meds and come back on Friday. My mind knows that it is over, but the continuing of the meds and going in for a third blood pregnancy test, is making my heart have hope.
Before ending the call, my doctor explained to me that he would like me to come in on Friday because there is a chance that both of the embryos implanted at first and that one may have ceased from developing. Therefore, that would cause the stagnation in hcg. It does not make sense to me and it didn't make sense when he said it, but I was just too upset to ask him to elaborate. All I could focus on was the fact that he did not tell me the new that I was expecting. He also told me to keep my fingers crossed for Friday, but that he was not optimistic about the outcome.
If the professional that does and sees this all the time is not optimistic about the outcome, how can I be?
I guess it is another chemical pregnancy for me (chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. The HCGs may not have dropped because your body hasn't realised it is a lost pregnancy yet).
~Extremely Disappointed
Well folks, that is definitely not a good thing. When I gave blood this morning, the nurse said that it needed to be 180. Needless to say, I am a little more than disappointed. I really thought it had worked this time.
Now if that news isn't bad enough, my doctor told me to stay on all my meds and come back on Friday. My mind knows that it is over, but the continuing of the meds and going in for a third blood pregnancy test, is making my heart have hope.
Before ending the call, my doctor explained to me that he would like me to come in on Friday because there is a chance that both of the embryos implanted at first and that one may have ceased from developing. Therefore, that would cause the stagnation in hcg. It does not make sense to me and it didn't make sense when he said it, but I was just too upset to ask him to elaborate. All I could focus on was the fact that he did not tell me the new that I was expecting. He also told me to keep my fingers crossed for Friday, but that he was not optimistic about the outcome.
If the professional that does and sees this all the time is not optimistic about the outcome, how can I be?
I guess it is another chemical pregnancy for me (chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. The HCGs may not have dropped because your body hasn't realised it is a lost pregnancy yet).
~Extremely Disappointed
This must be some type of sick joke!!
Well I wanted to provide you all with an update. I went in to my doctors office this morning for blood pregnancy test #2 of frozen embryo transfer #4. My doctor informed this afternoon that the hcg level (the pregnancy hormone) only increased by two. It was 90 on Monday and 92 today.
Well folks, that is definitely not a good thing. When I gave blood this morning, the nurse said that it needed to be 180. Needless to say, I am a little more than disappointed. I really thought it had worked this time.
Now if that news isn't bad enough, my doctor told me to stay on all my meds and come back on Friday. My mind knows that it is over, but the continuing of the meds and going in for a third blood pregnancy test, is making my heart have hope.
Before ending the call, my doctor explained to me that he would like me to come in on Friday because there is a chance that both of the embryos implanted at first and that one may have ceased from developing. Therefore, that would cause the stagnation in hcg. It does not make sense to me and it didn't make sense when he said it, but I was just too upset to ask him to elaborate. All I could focus on was the fact that he did not tell me the new that I was expecting. He also told me to keep my fingers crossed for Friday, but that he was not optimistic about the outcome.
If the professional that does and sees this all the time is not optimistic about the outcome, how can I be?
I guess it is another chemical pregnancy for me (chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. The HCGs may not have dropped because your body hasn't realised it is a lost pregnancy yet).
~Extremely Disappointed
Well folks, that is definitely not a good thing. When I gave blood this morning, the nurse said that it needed to be 180. Needless to say, I am a little more than disappointed. I really thought it had worked this time.
Now if that news isn't bad enough, my doctor told me to stay on all my meds and come back on Friday. My mind knows that it is over, but the continuing of the meds and going in for a third blood pregnancy test, is making my heart have hope.
Before ending the call, my doctor explained to me that he would like me to come in on Friday because there is a chance that both of the embryos implanted at first and that one may have ceased from developing. Therefore, that would cause the stagnation in hcg. It does not make sense to me and it didn't make sense when he said it, but I was just too upset to ask him to elaborate. All I could focus on was the fact that he did not tell me the new that I was expecting. He also told me to keep my fingers crossed for Friday, but that he was not optimistic about the outcome.
If the professional that does and sees this all the time is not optimistic about the outcome, how can I be?
I guess it is another chemical pregnancy for me (chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. The HCGs may not have dropped because your body hasn't realised it is a lost pregnancy yet).
~Extremely Disappointed
This must be some type of sick joke!!
Well I wanted to provide you all with an update. I went in to my doctors office this morning for blood pregnancy test #2 of frozen embryo transfer #4. My doctor informed this afternoon that the hcg level (the pregnancy hormone) only increased by two. It was 90 on Monday and 92 today.
Well folks, that is definitely not a good thing. When I gave blood this morning, the nurse said that it needed to be 180. Needless to say, I am a little more than disappointed. I really thought it had worked this time.
Now if that news isn't bad enough, my doctor told me to stay on all my meds and come back on Friday. My mind knows that it is over, but the continuing of the meds and going in for a third blood pregnancy test, is making my heart have hope.
Before ending the call, my doctor explained to me that he would like me to come in on Friday because there is a chance that both of the embryos implanted at first and that one may have ceased from developing. Therefore, that would cause the stagnation in hcg. It does not make sense to me and it didn't make sense when he said it, but I was just too upset to ask him to elaborate. All I could focus on was the fact that he did not tell me the new that I was expecting. He also told me to keep my fingers crossed for Friday, but that he was not optimistic about the outcome.
If the professional that does and sees this all the time is not optimistic about the outcome, how can I be?
I guess it is another chemical pregnancy for me (chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. The HCGs may not have dropped because your body hasn't realised it is a lost pregnancy yet).
~Extremely Disappointed
Well folks, that is definitely not a good thing. When I gave blood this morning, the nurse said that it needed to be 180. Needless to say, I am a little more than disappointed. I really thought it had worked this time.
Now if that news isn't bad enough, my doctor told me to stay on all my meds and come back on Friday. My mind knows that it is over, but the continuing of the meds and going in for a third blood pregnancy test, is making my heart have hope.
Before ending the call, my doctor explained to me that he would like me to come in on Friday because there is a chance that both of the embryos implanted at first and that one may have ceased from developing. Therefore, that would cause the stagnation in hcg. It does not make sense to me and it didn't make sense when he said it, but I was just too upset to ask him to elaborate. All I could focus on was the fact that he did not tell me the new that I was expecting. He also told me to keep my fingers crossed for Friday, but that he was not optimistic about the outcome.
If the professional that does and sees this all the time is not optimistic about the outcome, how can I be?
I guess it is another chemical pregnancy for me (chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage. The HCGs may not have dropped because your body hasn't realised it is a lost pregnancy yet).
~Extremely Disappointed
Monday, May 21, 2012
Today is the day!!!
Today is 11 days past my frozen embryo transfer. I went in to get my blood pregnancy test. I nervously awaited Dr. P's call. He called me around 12:30. The results are in............the test was positive!!!!
I am happy, of course, but I am also nervous. It is almost too good to be true.
I am terrified that it will be positive like frozen embryo cycle #2 and that something will go wrong, again. I know that I should just be happy about what is and not think of what may be, but after all that I have been through, I don't want to get my hopes up and then something go wrong.
I have to go back on Wednesday for another pregnancy test. They need to make sure that the level of the pregnancy hormone (hcg) continues to rise. I am so terrified that it will not. I am not trying to think negatively, but that is exactly what happened to me during frozen embryo cycle #2. How can I not be worried that history may repeat itself??
So, please pray for us.
~No longer "Possibly Pregnant"
I am happy, of course, but I am also nervous. It is almost too good to be true.
I am terrified that it will be positive like frozen embryo cycle #2 and that something will go wrong, again. I know that I should just be happy about what is and not think of what may be, but after all that I have been through, I don't want to get my hopes up and then something go wrong.
I have to go back on Wednesday for another pregnancy test. They need to make sure that the level of the pregnancy hormone (hcg) continues to rise. I am so terrified that it will not. I am not trying to think negatively, but that is exactly what happened to me during frozen embryo cycle #2. How can I not be worried that history may repeat itself??
So, please pray for us.
~No longer "Possibly Pregnant"
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Here we are again.......
Frozen embryo cycle #4
I arrived at the surgical center of Long Island IVF on Thursday, May 10th, as planned. When I got there, I was told to change and drink water. When I was at the point of my bladder exploding, Dr. Pena came into the room and informed my mother and I that they thawed two of my embryos (we now have four left for future use). He said that they were grade two (the best is grade one). After seeing the concerned look on my face, he goes, "don't worry, that's a good thing". Then, they wheel me to the opertating room and implant my two "maybe babies" into my uterus.
Here we are at three days past our fourth frozen embryo transfer. I sit now on the deck of my mother in laws house while my husband puts together a swing set for our son and all of my thoughts go to the ever present question, "am I pregnant?". Today is Mother's day. I should be sitting here relaxing with my feet up while hubby does the work, but my mind won't rest.
I promised myself that I would not get crazy this time...that I would not obsess over whether it worked this time or not, but I just can't help, but think about it. Every growl of my belly...every twinge...any slight pain, I wonder could something be happening inside of me.
As usual, I do google searches each day (3 days past 5 day transfer...etc...etc..) and so many women post that they feel some type of cramping or discomfort. They describe it as the embryo implanting and burrowing itself into the uterus, but I feel nothing. Does that mean that this hasn't worked for me? Did my embryos thaw again only do cease from developing once placed back into their home? Well....only time will tell. I am hoping...wishing...praying to feel something, anything to indicate to me that they are still in their alive and well. The more that time goes on and the more that I don't feel anything, the more I worry that this is another failed cycle.
On Monday, May 21st I will go into my doctor's office and take the blood pregnancy test. I am sure that I will have some idea at least the night before. I have all week to ponder what I always ponder at this time (Do I want to find out on my own or do I want to wait until I'm at work on Monday?). Either way, I will let you guys know when I know.
Again, I remind myself that what is meant to be...will be. And that god gave us a perfect little boy that is here against all odds. So, we are blessed no matter what the outcome of this current cycle may be.
~Possibly Preggo (again)
I arrived at the surgical center of Long Island IVF on Thursday, May 10th, as planned. When I got there, I was told to change and drink water. When I was at the point of my bladder exploding, Dr. Pena came into the room and informed my mother and I that they thawed two of my embryos (we now have four left for future use). He said that they were grade two (the best is grade one). After seeing the concerned look on my face, he goes, "don't worry, that's a good thing". Then, they wheel me to the opertating room and implant my two "maybe babies" into my uterus.
Here we are at three days past our fourth frozen embryo transfer. I sit now on the deck of my mother in laws house while my husband puts together a swing set for our son and all of my thoughts go to the ever present question, "am I pregnant?". Today is Mother's day. I should be sitting here relaxing with my feet up while hubby does the work, but my mind won't rest.
I promised myself that I would not get crazy this time...that I would not obsess over whether it worked this time or not, but I just can't help, but think about it. Every growl of my belly...every twinge...any slight pain, I wonder could something be happening inside of me.
As usual, I do google searches each day (3 days past 5 day transfer...etc...etc..) and so many women post that they feel some type of cramping or discomfort. They describe it as the embryo implanting and burrowing itself into the uterus, but I feel nothing. Does that mean that this hasn't worked for me? Did my embryos thaw again only do cease from developing once placed back into their home? Well....only time will tell. I am hoping...wishing...praying to feel something, anything to indicate to me that they are still in their alive and well. The more that time goes on and the more that I don't feel anything, the more I worry that this is another failed cycle.
On Monday, May 21st I will go into my doctor's office and take the blood pregnancy test. I am sure that I will have some idea at least the night before. I have all week to ponder what I always ponder at this time (Do I want to find out on my own or do I want to wait until I'm at work on Monday?). Either way, I will let you guys know when I know.
Again, I remind myself that what is meant to be...will be. And that god gave us a perfect little boy that is here against all odds. So, we are blessed no matter what the outcome of this current cycle may be.
~Possibly Preggo (again)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Life goes on..........And here we are at frozen embryo cycle #4
I began frozen embryo cycle #4 a few days after receiving my big fat negative from my doctor. That conversation was actually pretty humorous. He sounded a little more sad than I was.
Some people say taking at home pregnancy tests before the blood test is a bad thing, but I was able to find out the result and deal with it on my own time rather than on Monday while I was at work.
Getting back to my conversation with my doctor, when he called he said that he is sorry, but the test came back negative and I was like, "I know, now what do we do next?". He then explained to me that since we did three frozen embryo transfers using one egg, we can now be more aggressive and transfer two embryos during the consecutive cycles.
Now lets fast forward to today. We are in day 12 of frozen embryo cycle # 4. As I type this, I can barely believe it myself that we are on cycle #4. I can't believe that it is taking so many cycles, so many medications, and so much time to do what happened so quickly the first time. But, it is what it is and we are dealing with it all.
On May 10th, I will arrive at the surgical center of Long Island IVF and they are going to implant two embryos that were fertilized five years ago and thawed that morning. After the upcoming transfer on May 10th, I could be pregnant with one baby, two babies, or none.
Although modern medicine has given me the opportunity to have a child when I could not do so naturally, I know that god has the final say.
I refuse to be sad about what has not happened. I am blessed with one child and I am blessed with the opportunity and resources to continue to try for another. And if it never happens, than god has another plan for our family. It is up to god to decide and I will continue to trust in his plan for us.
-Trusting in god's plan
Some people say taking at home pregnancy tests before the blood test is a bad thing, but I was able to find out the result and deal with it on my own time rather than on Monday while I was at work.
Getting back to my conversation with my doctor, when he called he said that he is sorry, but the test came back negative and I was like, "I know, now what do we do next?". He then explained to me that since we did three frozen embryo transfers using one egg, we can now be more aggressive and transfer two embryos during the consecutive cycles.
Now lets fast forward to today. We are in day 12 of frozen embryo cycle # 4. As I type this, I can barely believe it myself that we are on cycle #4. I can't believe that it is taking so many cycles, so many medications, and so much time to do what happened so quickly the first time. But, it is what it is and we are dealing with it all.
On May 10th, I will arrive at the surgical center of Long Island IVF and they are going to implant two embryos that were fertilized five years ago and thawed that morning. After the upcoming transfer on May 10th, I could be pregnant with one baby, two babies, or none.
Although modern medicine has given me the opportunity to have a child when I could not do so naturally, I know that god has the final say.
I refuse to be sad about what has not happened. I am blessed with one child and I am blessed with the opportunity and resources to continue to try for another. And if it never happens, than god has another plan for our family. It is up to god to decide and I will continue to trust in his plan for us.
-Trusting in god's plan
Saturday, April 14, 2012
9dp5dt
Today is 9 days after my frozen embryo transfer. This morning I woke up and decided that I could not wait until monday. I decided that I would rather find out the news by peeing on a stick in the privacy of my bathroom rather than listening to my doctor tell me over the phone on Monday. so....the results are in......a big fat ....."not pregnant".
On Monday my doctor is going to ask me if I would like to "take a break" or continue onto the next cycle. At this point, I don't know what I am going to do. Maybe I should just look at all of these failed cycles as a sign. Maybe god is showing me that he gave me the child that he wanted me to have and that I need to just be content with what I have. I am going to just keep praying on it and hope that the answer finds me.
I am still on all of my meds. I will stay on the regiment that my doctor has assigned until the offical blood test on Monday. However, I can feel it in my heart, body, and mind that the clear blue easy was correct.
Trying to remind myself that "god will give me the right one at the right time" or maybe he has already and maybe he is telling me that the one he gave me is all I need. Either way, I am not devastated. Disappointed, yes, but not devastated and feeling truly blessed. I will not harp on what I do not have, but appreciate all that I do have (my perfect son, my wonderful family, my super supportive husband, and great friends).
-Mother to one
On Monday my doctor is going to ask me if I would like to "take a break" or continue onto the next cycle. At this point, I don't know what I am going to do. Maybe I should just look at all of these failed cycles as a sign. Maybe god is showing me that he gave me the child that he wanted me to have and that I need to just be content with what I have. I am going to just keep praying on it and hope that the answer finds me.
I am still on all of my meds. I will stay on the regiment that my doctor has assigned until the offical blood test on Monday. However, I can feel it in my heart, body, and mind that the clear blue easy was correct.
Trying to remind myself that "god will give me the right one at the right time" or maybe he has already and maybe he is telling me that the one he gave me is all I need. Either way, I am not devastated. Disappointed, yes, but not devastated and feeling truly blessed. I will not harp on what I do not have, but appreciate all that I do have (my perfect son, my wonderful family, my super supportive husband, and great friends).
-Mother to one
Thursday, April 12, 2012
7 days past 5 day transfer
I don't know what the clown face painting children had to do with the animals, but it was fun for him, so I just went with it. It was also a huge distraction for me. I was able to take a little vaction from crazy town, my own am I pregnant??????? thoughts. But, now I am home.....so.......
So, here we are at 7 days past my 5 day transfer. Today would be a great day to begin POAS (peeing on a stick-pregnancy test), but I am still terrified. Since the day of the transfer I was counting down the hours until I got to this point (the point of being able to test and get a very accurate result). Now that I am here, I am still not ready. If I do it and it says "not pregnant", than frozen embryo transfer #3 is over. And the screaming into my pillow while wailing my arms and legs like a two year old will begin. I know that I will also want to stop my meds, but I will have to continue until my official results, just in case by some miracle of god the "not pregnant" may be wrong. And I know you may be thinking, "oh, don't think like that, think positive", but if you have done this every month since the end of January, it would also be very hard for you to envision that clear blue easy saying "pregnant". I know that it will happen, since it has happened before (with my son), but it is hard to feel the benefits of the struggle, while you are still in the struggle.
Rewinding to an hour ago, I was watching, "I didn't know I was pregnant" (because whenever I want to get pregnant I become obsessed with everything baby) and my son came in the room and begins watching it for a second. He looks at me and goes, "Mommy, you have a baby in you tummy". after replying, "no" (I wouldn't dare tell my son about any of this until we are 200% sure it all will work out), I asked him if he wants mommy to have a baby and he says, "yes a cute little baby sister or brother". And it took all the strength I had to not just break down into tears. All I could say was, "no, Papa".
Well, I'm secretly hoping that god is hearing my prayers and my little guys wishes for mommy. And I am remembering what my friend told me yesterday and pushing through another day.
-Still possibly preggo
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Here are some informational websites about IVF.
http://www.ivf-infertility.com/ivf/blastocysts.php
This is a site that give information on IVF.
http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php
This is a cool site that allows you to calculate your due date based on your blast transfer date.
http://www.advancedfertility.com/cryo.htm
Another site about IVF, cryopreservation, and FET.
http://www.ivf-infertility.com/ivf/blastocysts.php
This is a site that give information on IVF.
http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php
This is a cool site that allows you to calculate your due date based on your blast transfer date.
http://www.advancedfertility.com/cryo.htm
Another site about IVF, cryopreservation, and FET.
To test or not to test
Feeling kinda weird today. I know they say to try and stay positive and give out positive energy, but how do you override the negative thoughts that creep into your head?
I still have not POAS (peed on a stick-preggo test). My blood test is Monday. During my previous frozen embryo transfers, I did at home pregnancy tests. All of them were accurate. The blood test I had a few days later confirmed what the pregnancy test had already told me. So, when the doctor's office called to give me "the call", I already knew what they would tell me. In a way, it was nice knowing, but the finding out by myself in my bathroom was torture. So, I still don't know if I'm going to do the at home before the blood test or if I am going to just wait for my doctor to call me Monday afternoon (while I'm at work-isn't that great).
My best friend just text me to see if I took one of the tests that we bought yesterday. I have been trying not to think about it. I continue to be in blissful ignorance today. The reality is that I am just too scared to know right now. Today is 6 days past my 5 day frozen embryo transfer. I have a very good chance of getting an accurate test today if I chose to do it, but I am not ready. Maybe it's superstition since I did it the first two cycles and we all can see that the results did not end up the way that I wanted them to. So, I guess I am nervous that POAS is linked to negative results. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but I think I left my sanity behind two frozen embryo cycles ago.
I just spoke to a friend that I have not talked to in a while. She was asking about things and when I told her about my adventure she told me something that I will never forget and that I will try to remember when I having that "I've lost all hope" type of feeling. She said, "God is going to pick the right one for you at the right time". We were talking about how this is my third try and how it just happened so easily with my son (one embryo and one frozen embryo cycle). That one statement from her really helped to put things into perspective for me.
So, on that note I am going to have faith that god is going to pick the right one for me at the right time. And if that time is not now, it wasn't the right one.
-possibly preggo
I still have not POAS (peed on a stick-preggo test). My blood test is Monday. During my previous frozen embryo transfers, I did at home pregnancy tests. All of them were accurate. The blood test I had a few days later confirmed what the pregnancy test had already told me. So, when the doctor's office called to give me "the call", I already knew what they would tell me. In a way, it was nice knowing, but the finding out by myself in my bathroom was torture. So, I still don't know if I'm going to do the at home before the blood test or if I am going to just wait for my doctor to call me Monday afternoon (while I'm at work-isn't that great).
My best friend just text me to see if I took one of the tests that we bought yesterday. I have been trying not to think about it. I continue to be in blissful ignorance today. The reality is that I am just too scared to know right now. Today is 6 days past my 5 day frozen embryo transfer. I have a very good chance of getting an accurate test today if I chose to do it, but I am not ready. Maybe it's superstition since I did it the first two cycles and we all can see that the results did not end up the way that I wanted them to. So, I guess I am nervous that POAS is linked to negative results. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but I think I left my sanity behind two frozen embryo cycles ago.
I just spoke to a friend that I have not talked to in a while. She was asking about things and when I told her about my adventure she told me something that I will never forget and that I will try to remember when I having that "I've lost all hope" type of feeling. She said, "God is going to pick the right one for you at the right time". We were talking about how this is my third try and how it just happened so easily with my son (one embryo and one frozen embryo cycle). That one statement from her really helped to put things into perspective for me.
So, on that note I am going to have faith that god is going to pick the right one for me at the right time. And if that time is not now, it wasn't the right one.
-possibly preggo
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
5dp5dt- FET #3
April 10, 2012
Today is five days past my five day transfer. I went in last Thursday and Dr. P implanted one grade 2 blast. Why only one you may be thinking? Well on top of my infertility issues, I also have an incompetent cervix. So, my body could not possibly handle more than one baby at a time. This is frozen embryo transfer number 3. We began trying in January. The first FET ended in a chemical pregnancy. The second cycle resulted in a BFN. And this cycle......waiting to see what the future holds.
Today I went with my best friend and our children (I have a son from a successful FET 5 years ago) to the mall. I bought a box of clear blue easy pregnancy tests. I am so nervous to test. I bought them because I want to know. The not knowing is killing me since I'm such a control freak, but I know that once I POAS I will continue to do it every day up until my Beta (4/16/12). I know that today is very early, so I am going to hold off on POAS today, but I cannot say what tomorrow will bring.
I want to know already if I am preggos or not, but I am so scared to know the truth. If I see that BFN, I will be very disappointed. I am in ignorant bliss right now. The possibility that I could be is so inviting and exciting right now.
Well.....until tomorrow.....
-Possibly preggo
Today is five days past my five day transfer. I went in last Thursday and Dr. P implanted one grade 2 blast. Why only one you may be thinking? Well on top of my infertility issues, I also have an incompetent cervix. So, my body could not possibly handle more than one baby at a time. This is frozen embryo transfer number 3. We began trying in January. The first FET ended in a chemical pregnancy. The second cycle resulted in a BFN. And this cycle......waiting to see what the future holds.
Today I went with my best friend and our children (I have a son from a successful FET 5 years ago) to the mall. I bought a box of clear blue easy pregnancy tests. I am so nervous to test. I bought them because I want to know. The not knowing is killing me since I'm such a control freak, but I know that once I POAS I will continue to do it every day up until my Beta (4/16/12). I know that today is very early, so I am going to hold off on POAS today, but I cannot say what tomorrow will bring. I want to know already if I am preggos or not, but I am so scared to know the truth. If I see that BFN, I will be very disappointed. I am in ignorant bliss right now. The possibility that I could be is so inviting and exciting right now.
Well.....until tomorrow.....
-Possibly preggo
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